When I play in church, I almost always sing along. I love hearing my voice blend in with the others in the congregation. It helps me bridge the gap between performing and praising so that I don’t lose my focus.
But every now and again, I just can’t do it. For whatever reason a lyric doesn’t resonate with me, and I just skip singing.
That happened to me recently.
We were singing the song Canons by Phil Wickham. For the most part, it’s a great song about the majesty of God. There is some beautiful imagery in it. Then we get to the chorus, which says:
You are holy, great and mighty
The moon and the stars declare who you are
I’m so unworthy but still you love me
Forever my heart will sing of how great you are.
And nestled right there in the middle of an otherwise lovely lyric is the line that I couldn’t sing.
My friend Grace wrote this a week ago, “It doesn’t matter if you have a good father, a great father, a loving father or an almighty God if you don’t believe you are worthy of what He has for you.”
Trying to hold the two thoughts – I am unworthy and I am loved – in my head at the same time is just crazy-making. I can’t do it. Maybe that’s my own shortcoming. Maybe I’m so caught up in earning love that I am missing the ability to receive love when I don’t feel like I deserve it.
But there’s another part to it, and I think my friend Grace hits it on the head. If I believe that I’m unworthy of love, I am going to hold that love at arm’s length. I am going to view it warily. Rather than being grateful for that love, I will look at it with distrust. The greatness of God is diminished if I’m looking on that greatness through lenses dirtied by my own failures.
And moreover, I don’t want to see myself as unworthy. I have spent plenty of time believing that in one form or another. Singing those words doesn’t humble me, it just shames me. When you have really questioned your own value, you don’t need to sing the words – you know it deep in the dark places of your soul. And it makes the second part of the line more difficult to understand, let alone believe.
I don’t have to look very far to find the places where I don’t measure up. I don’t have to strain to see the ways in which I am unworthy. And if I really believe in the goodness and the love of God, I don’t need to belittle myself to grasp that. If I am loved by the Almighty, then I have worth.